Reviewer: k i m’
Site: http://2pmvietguh.blogspot.com/
Requester: amy91luvKey
Fanfic: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/7179/welcome-to-high-school-of-sex-and-hell-kpop

Title:3/5
See, I’m just wondering if you’re missing a word from it. It doesn’t catch my attention much, it seems like something I’ll scroll pass but then reconsider later.

Appearance: 6/10
The poster was okay, I mean it really doesn’t draw me in, or doesn’t really interest me. The color seems a bit okay, but DBSK really doesn’t match the mood of the other characters so, ya know it is fine. There was no background since AFF doesn’t have that except for the side. I suggest you try that.

Forewords: 5/10
It gave me a brief description, but that’s pretty much it, nothing interesting, or eye catching. Already found a few spelling errors and grammar. My advice is to make sure you don’t have any, because in experience as a reader I know if there were mess ups in the forewords at times I wouldn’t read the story. ^^ So to better help you, please try to keep that in mind.

Plot: 15/20
I’ve read some like that, were basically it’s a school purely based on lust. I mean there were some parts that were pretty good, others a bit weird. Like I think it was Amy? She seemed far from a virgin, which somewhat turned things around, although it’s said that she is indeed a virgin.

Originality: 14/20
It was somewhat original, but I bet if I search a few fanfics up I could find a good amount on schools that exploit you for sex.

Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary/Punctuation: 5/15
So…I only did…chapter 1, since you kept updating…and there were a bunch of mistakes, so keep in mind, just follow the advice here, and be sure to go back to past chapters and fix a few. Please remember…the quotes mean I’m quoting from the text, you can take them out when fixing the chapter.

-“You had to be in the superior class, witch means you have power and money, or every student needed at least one talent to enter”

Change this because first, it seems like a run on. You’re missing punctuation. And you used the incorrect “which.” They sound alike, which is why they’re homophones, but have completely different meanings. So try: “You had to be in the superior class, which meant you had power and money. Or every student needed at least one talent to enter.”

-“Amy knows how to play the piano. She learned from a short age and she become better and better at it. Anna loves dancing more than anything and she practiced for this day from early age. She and Jonghyun, with his absolutely amazing voice, are together and promised to accomplish this dream, of going together to high school.”

So reading the whole thing I realized that you’re writing in past tense most of the time. To write something you have to be able to maintain tenses. This was a problem in the other fic of yours I reviewed. Second off, “a short age” doesn’t really sound good, because I don’t know if you’re referring to a period of time or when she started learning the piano. Short is describing well…a lessened period of time. So below I’ve listed to possibilities for you to try. So try:

“Amy knew how to play the piano. She learned from a very young age, and became better and better at it. Anna loved dancing more than anything, and practiced for that day from an early age. She and Jonghyun, the boy who had an amazing voice, were together. They kept a promise to accomplish that dream of going together to high school.”

“Amy knew how to play the piano. She learned from a very short time, and became better and better at it. Anna loved dancing more than anything, and practiced for that day from an early age. She and Jonghyun, the boy who had an amazing voice, were together. They kept a promise to accomplish that dream of going together to high school.”

- “Key and Minho always competed when it comes to rapping and their amazing skill of writing lyrics bought them closer to following a dream. Taemin on the other hand was chosen too, but he didn’t understand why. All the people appreciated him for his piano skills and beautiful face. And the last, but not last… Onew ! His acting skill is something that no one encountered until now. With his lovely smile and clumsiness, he can melt every girl’s heart.”

You used and so many times and this is the third paragraph. When and doubt, use a thesaurus for any synonyms. I can list a few: in addition, also, even…

Well in this case: “Key and Minho always competed when it comes to rapping and their amazing skill of writing lyrics bought them closer to following a dream” It’s fine. But also, it seems like you’re doing something where you’re setting them apart but putting them together…Bought, by the way, means that you have already purchased something. That’s a simple misspell that can be fixed at any time.

Also: “And the last, but not last… Onew !” Um, all I can say is this statement is contradictive. I think you’re attempting to do the phrase: “And last, but not least…” so it’s easily forgivable. The way you have it put, implies that you have someone else after Onew, be careful when making mistakes like that.

Try:

“Key and Minho always competed when it came to rapping, yet their amazing skills of writing lyrics brought them closer to following their dream. Taemin, on the other hand, was chosen as well, however he didn’t understand why. Everyone appreciated him for his piano skills and beautiful face. And last, but not least…Onew! His acting skills were something that no one had encountered until now. With his lovely smile, and clumsiness he could melt any girl’s heart.”

Notice that I used the conjunction “and” only twice. It’s easy to change things around. To either make it detailed or not, just be sure to either find something else to use, or start a new sentence but remember not to sound repetitive.

- ‘SM High School’ has a history of 49 years, this year being the 50 one. The teachers are known as the best all over the country and …the most handsome man and beautiful women teach here. What nobody know, is that the president of the school, Mr. Lee Soo Man is an intelligent old man with a lot of power and desires. He wants to offer to anyone what’s the most pleasurable subject from all the history of high school. No math or literature… neither physical education! No! What he wants is …Sex!

Okay, again with the tenses. The ‘ ‘ aren’t needed in this case.

Try:
SM High School had a history of 49 years, this year being the 50th one. The teachers were known as the best all over the country. The most handsome men and beautiful women taught there. What nobody knew, was that the president of the school, Mr. Lee Soo Man, was an intelligent older man with a lot of power and desires. He wanted to offer anyone the most pleasurable subject from all the history of high schools. No math, literature, or physical education. No. What he wanted was Sex!

-“The pleasure of two bodies holding each other until exhaustion!”

This one is a sentence fragment, so you either are missing something or need to add more to it.

Try: “He loved the fact of two bodies pleasuring each other until exhaustion!” You need something along those lines.

- “She just couldn’t sleep more, feeling the enthusiasm of finally going to this new high school. It’s not like she didn’t like it the other one, but she promised Jonghyun they will be together.”

Tenses, tenses, tenses, are the hot issue there.  There’s something missing with ‘more’ like ‘anymore’ perhaps?

Try: “She just couldn’t sleep anymore, the enthusiasm of finally going to the new high school building up. It wasn’t like she didn’t like the other one, but she promised Jonghyun that they would be together.”

-“ “wake up!” she giggled hearing his sleepy voice. “It’s time to shine baby! Come and wake up!” she smiled and send a kiss between the phone. Knowing he’s not going to talk so much, she finished the call and continued preparing.”

Okay, no capitalization here, nor is there any space. With quotes or dialogue you space or start a new sentence.

Try: “ “Wake up!” she giggled, after hearing his sleepy voice.”

“It’s time to shine baby! Come on, wake up!” She smiled and sent him a kiss between the lines. Knowing he wasn’t going to talk so much, she finished the call, continuing to prepare.

- “On the other line, Jonghyun nodded while his eyes and mind went back to sleep. He felt too excited by the whole new high school, that couldn’t sleep at all last night.”

Okay so what’s wrong with this is the nodded part, which doesn’t make much relevance. As well as the end, since now it just seems contradictory.

Try: “On the other line, Jonghyun’s eyes drooped, his mind, and his body falling back asleep. He felt too excited by the new high school that he couldn’t sleep at all last night.”
-“She was humming a sweet song and smiling all the time. This was the best day from her life and she couldn’t ask for more. Her big brother came down with a big yawn and scratched his back… more his ass.”

Again some tenses and some things sound wrong.

Try: “She was humming a sweet song, smiling the whole time. This was the best day of her life, and she couldn’t ask for more. Her big brother came down, yawning loudly, while scratching his back…more like his ass.”

- “YACK!! Do that in your room!!” Amy yelled and turned around, feeling irritated”

Okay so adding too many –ed endings can somewhat make it sound a tad bit improper, which is why we can always add to it, or play around with the sentence.

Try: “YAH! Do that in your room!” Amy yelled, turning around, irritable.

I’m ending the corrections of chapter 1 here. Just too many errors to fix, and I’m a reviewer yes, I’m fixing it, but it’s every paragraph, and every sentence. So that frustrates me. Some of chapter 2:

Original:
What I heard made me too confused, scared and freaked out! Just feeling that horny teacher’s tongue and touch on my body gave me shivers! I won’t deny he’s hot and his voice is so seductive that makes me want to hear it until I dye, but he’s freaking horny! I really don’t know what to say about this whole think! Heechul oppa will hear me… but then, I think he only did it because of me! I always told him how much I love to go to this school... maybe it was because of the cute school uniform but I never believed I can encounter something like this!

Changed:
What I heard made me confused and scared, so I freaked out! Just feeling the teacher’s horny tongue and fingers grazing on my body gave me shivers! I wouldn’t deny that he was hot and that his voice was so seductive that it made me want to hear it until I die, but he was completely horny! I really didn’t know what to say about this whole situation! Heechul oppa would hear me… but then I think he only did it because of me! I had always told him how much I love going to this school... maybe it was because of the cute school uniform, but I never believed that I would experience something like this!

Original:
“You said we have to respect the rules? Right?” Taemin smirked and turned to look at us. “I don’t know about you guys, but I chose the second rule!! You can rape me all you want!! I won’t give my virginity that easy!!” he seems tense and I think I understand him. The others looked at him with wide eyes and just like me, they didn’t know what to say.

Changed:
“You said we had to respect the rules, right?” Taemin said as he turned to look at us and smirk.

“I don’t know about you guys, but I chose the second rule!! You can rape me all you want, but I won’t give my virginity that easy!!” he declared. He seemed tense and I think I understood him. The others looked at him with wide eyes and didn’t know what to say.
Original:
“Me too!” I made a step near Taemin and smiled. Even though I’m already dying under those teacher’s flaming eyes, I have to stand for myself and my colleagues. The teachers are looking at us with a smirk on their beautiful and almost perfect faces! I feel naked!!

Changed:
“Same here!” I too declared as I made a step near Taemin smiling. Even though I was already nervous under the teacher’s unchanging gaze, I had to stand up for myself and my colleagues. The teachers looked at us with a smirk on their flawless faces! I felt naked!!

That’s it. I advise you recheck through the chapters. As a reader having to stumble across so many issues of writing, makes me want to stop reading. It seems as though English isn’t your first language, but I’ve read another one of your fics to review and you had the same problems. If it’s recurring please recheck or have someone edit it over for you. I am a reviewer, I don’t do beta, I am suppose to correct minor issues, but if I have to stop because the whole chapter and thing is a problem, it’s very nerve-racking. This is in no means to offend you, but help you. So (: please don’t take it to heart.


Flow: 2/5
It wasn’t consistent, it either was to rough and kind of stopped, or keep going to the point of running on.

Writing Style: 4/10
It’s okay. I don’t like how you do dialogue though. There are usually no dashes in front of it, and sometimes it’s just off. I’ll give you an example on how dialogue usually is:

“Hello? Who is this?” Amy answered, looking puzzled.

“It’s me.”

The voice had sounded so familiar to her, that she wasn’t sure how she should react.

So usually, it’s sort of like that. And if you’re going on then more would be added after the first sentence.

Other++ 3/5
This is my second request from you (: that’s worth something.

Total: 52/100
^^ So this isn’t so bad~ You’re halfway there. Just remember to recheck and edit over anything and mind your tenses. Remember to credit! And thank you for requesting (: