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OPENED: Umm. .don't really remember. Somewhere in November
OWNER: 2pmvietguh
TYPE: Review Pickups
CONTACT: EMAIL
Layout:
Dorkistic
Images:
Brushes:
BrushEezy
Host:
Blogger
Title: 3/5
The title is pretty okay, it's not really that eye catching though. I would have just scrolled past it; missing out on a good story.
Appearance: 6/10
You've only had the main guy character. It would've been nice if you had the main girl character.
Forewords: 6/10
Your foreword lets the readers know what to expect in your story, kind of. It only talks about the main girl character. It doesn't really talk about the story.- I think that would've best fit with her background info, not the foreword, you know?
Plot: 15/20
Since the story is ongoing, I will pretty much summarize what's going on so far:
The main girl character has a 12 year old little sister and an older brother who's dropped out of school when he was 13; he joined a gang. She, her sister, and her aunt and uncle have been moving around a lot. She now attends Kofa King High. The most important fact, detail is that she has a growing tumor in her heart and that she won't be able to make it pass her 16th birthday. But her aunt and uncle have hidden that part from her.- On her first day of school, she meets Jung Nicole and her friends, who are the queenkas at that school. She also met Kim Jaejoong, (One of the kingkas at Kofa King High), who she soon fell for.- Her friends warned her about Jaejoong, that she should stay away from him because he's a playboy.- Jaejoong asks her out. It has been a few months or so. . Jaejoong and main girl character get into a huge argument, because she wanted him to quit his drinking. She tried to make Jaejoong jealous. Talks to a guy, half Korean, half American, Chris. The guy asked her out. Jaejoong punched the guy. The two fought. She "breaks" up with him. But, they didn't really break up with each other. During the time that they were separated, he was with Milly. Anyway, he got Milly pregnant. (I'm not sure whether Milly's lying about the fact that she's pregnant. .but-) She broke up with him, on Christmas- On the other hand, her brother, Junhyung walks back into her life.
Originality: 15/20
(Reviewer's note: Originality is based on me, the reviewer. Just because you (as in readers) have read a fan fic or whatever that's similar to this, it doesn't mean that I have)
Cliches-
Main girl character has some kind of illness/disease, in this case, a heart problem.
Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary/Punctuation: 8.5/15
The words that are in parenthesis or are in bold are the mistakes/errors that I've corrected.
Examples:
7 year old Hana tugged on her mother's sleeve, "Umma, why are you crying? Is noona (unnie) going to be okay?"
Hana is a girl, so she would address main girl character as "unnie", not "noona". If she had a little brother, then he would call her "noona".
"Why does ____-unni have only 50 percent of removing the tumor?" (A guy would refer to their big sister as noona, not unni. But since her brother's older than her, he wouldn't even need to refer to her as noona)
It's difficult to remove and even if we can remove it. . . .
"Hey move it! Your (You're) blocking up the entrance!"
'Wow, what a coinidence (coincidence)!'
To (Too) bad Nicole-ah sat with one of her groupie friends, Park Gyuri.
There were many nervous looking students who were staring at each other awkardly (awkwardly), and some were just normally chatting away with others.
We met up with four other very pretty girls at Nicole-ah's locker. Nicole-ah skipped a little towards her friends."
Note: Okay, from what I know, you only use -ah, when you're talking to that person, etc, example:
"Nicole-ah, what are you doing" she asked Nicole. (something like that)
As if on que (cue) when Nicole-ah said KARA, all of the girls jumped into a pose!
" Okay class, today you will be paring (pairing) up with your partner to do a reading assignment.
" Are you okay Changmin-sshi?" The teacher asked, a little worried, because it was quiet in the classroom and then Changmin started yelling.
There's no need for you to leave a space between the first word of the sentence and the quotation mark.
When I walked to the ginormous, gleaming cafateria (cafeteria), I spotted the KARA girls waving at me from afar. I waved back and ran to them.
" Why do you want ____-ah to sit with you guys so badly? Why can't it wait till tommorow (tomorrow) ?" Hara-ah asked, a little suspious (suspicious).
" Stay the hell away from me! You're all lieing (lying).. You're lieing (lying)!!"
" No! YOU don't understand! I'm the one who is dieing (dying)! Not you..."
" I- I don't know Jaejoong. It's to (too) sudden.. This is to (too) much for me!"
You've seemed to be confused with to and too, a lot.
" No...!!! Aniyo!!" You yelled shaking your head and trying to wipe your eyes.
" Then what did he do?!" She exclaimed.
Okay, in this part, she was talking to her little sister, Hana, so there's no need for any formalities, so no need to add in the -yo at the end.
Flow: 3/5
Your story seemed to progress a bit too fast at the beginning of your story. But towards the middle, the pace seemed to be more steady.
Writing Style: 8.5/10
I like your writing style, and how you describe-
Other++ 5/5
I usually avoid stories with the main girl character having some kind of illness, but your story. .. .I like it.
I really like the pouring rain scene with main girl character and Jaejoong.
Junhyung <3
Hmm. .I'm wondering whether this story will have a happy or sad ending. . .
Total: 70/100
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