Reviewer: k i m `
Site: http://2pmvietguh.blogspot.com/
Requester: SaMaNtHa
Fanfic: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/MFCUM/

Note: I am extremely sorry for the lateness of this review.

Title: 2/5

The title, I’ve seen a lot, it’s been used in a lot of occasions for a story. If I scrolled by it, it wouldn’t necessarily catch my attention. I would probably go pass it. After finishing it, I can see how it ties in, but at the same time, it doesn’t fit since the memories really weren’t explained. 

Appearance: 8/10

The colors for the background color was a warm type color. In addition, the poster looks nice, but at the same time sad, which does correspond with the story’s mood. So the overall appearance is appealing and does make me want to read, the font of the poster was readable.

Forewords: 6/10

The foreword is okay, it doesn’t exactly give me exactly what’s going to happen in the story, nor does it really intro any characters.  It doesn’t exactly let me know anything, because it’s too short. A foreword usually is supposed to capture a reader’s attention. It makes the person want to continue further and click chapter one. I give you points on it being interesting. In formal writing, a foreword is a short piece that may or may not be written by the legitimate author of the story. The foreword tells the interaction between the writer and the story or the writer of the forewords and the story. You also had some cases where there were mess ups within the forewords.

‘What am I supposed to do if I have no one left in this world? My parents died because of their gambling problems, my brother died of a drive by shooting, and now the girl of my life doesn’t seem to be alive. Her smile died, her feelings vanished. Her beauty is still here but why does she look so different to me now? Why do these lines keep appearing on arms? Why is her face stained with tears? What can I do to make this better? What can I do to live on? I want to crawl into a hole and disappear…what can I do to make this life better? All I can do is think about these unanswered questions and think back to the unforgettable memories.’

Your tenses are off, and some of it doesn’t seem to flow right at all. Isn’t the phrase ‘Girl of my dreams?’ the word ‘life,’ seems to disrupt the flow for me.  The tenses are off and you’re missing a few words.

‘What am I supposed to do if I had no one left in this world?’ You have to change have into had because ‘supposed’ is in its past tense form. ‘Her smile died; her feelings vanished.’ You could use a comma but a semi colon seems to fit because it acts as an ‘and’ or it creates a greater pause in writing. ‘Her beauty was still there, but why did she look so different to me now?’ Again your tenses aren’t right in this, you begun with past tense, you have to continue using a past tense format.

‘Why do these lines keep appearing on arms?’ Okay this phrase, you need to clarify. It doesn’t make any sense. On whose arm are the lines appearing on? If you mean the girl’s arms then the question should be: ‘Why do those lines keep appearing on her arm?’  Alright, I’m not too sure whether you’re attempting to make this in present tense, or not. If it’s in past tense the last sentences need to be fixed so it’s in past tense, if you’re writing in present tense fix the beginning.

Plot: 9/20

The plot, well has been done before. I mean something happened to the parents, they were taken in by someone who either one of them falls for, or both. Then they fall in love, and something bad happens, but you didn’t really input the feeling of rejection. It was rushed throughout the challenge, and really I don’t see exactly how exactly the feeling was put to be strong in it. The ending was unhappy, but there wasn’t anything else.

Originality: 8/20

I think the suicide part was pretty creative, but the rest not really. Honestly, you could have more details, but I suppose considering the fact that this was for a challenge you might have felt rushed to finish it before the challenge deadline.  Otherwise, this whole two-shot was extremely lacking in detail and characterization. We know how Changmin met the girl, but nothing else. We don’t exactly know how their personality is, or anything really about the characters in this.

Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary/Punctuation: 0/15

I will correct everything I see, then the breakdown of everything will be at the end of this. There will be instances where I will explain why exactly I am changing certain things.

I’m only a 16 year old boy. How am I supposed to take care of my 9 year old brother without parents?
This should be: I was only a 16 year old boy. How was I supposed to take of my 9 year old brother without parents?

I kicked the sofa cushion with my right feet; in search for the phone but it wasn’t there
This should be: I kicked the sofa cushion with my right foot in search of the phone, but it wasn’t there. 

I dialed 119 then went upstairs to pack my clothing and Minho’s.
This sentence seems awkwardly worded, but it seems correct. Although you could try: I dialed 119 going upstairs to pack my clothes along with Minho’s.

Grabbing the blue suitcase from Minho’s closet I began to place his clothes in the suitcase.
This is correct yes, but you’re sounding repetitive. You could say: Grabbing the blue suitcase from Minho’s closet, I began to place his clothes inside it.

After packing his clothes and his blanket I went to my room and did the same.
This could be: After packing his clothes and blanket, I went to my room and did the same with my things.

I grabbed a couple of towels and some blankets; it occupied most of the space in the suitcase but its okay.
This could be: I grabbed a couple of towels and some blankets, they occupied most of the space in the suitcase, but that was okay.

I don’t need a lot clothes, as long as we’re warm and dry I’m okay. Walking towards my dresser I grabbed my wallet and went down the stairs with the suitcases in my hands, I grabbed my father’s wallet from the floor before leaving with Minho.
This could be: I didn’t need a lot of clothes, as long as we were warm and dry, I was okay. Walking towards my dresser, I grabbed my wallet and went down the stairs with the suitcases in my hands. I grabbed my father’s wallet from the floor before leaving with Minho.

‘police mans’ should be policemen. Policemen, is the plural version of policeman.

“Hello, this is Park Kyungmin. I am here with today’s news. Today I am here at the Shim resident, there has been a homicide, there are two people dead; a mother and father, they have a record of gambling problems so maybe they were killed by the loan sharks, but we are not certain. At the moment we are searching for their lost son’s, they are 16 and 9 years old. We don’t know if they were kidnapped or not but we need to find them quick before anything bad happens to them.”

Honestly, this doesn’t seem like an accurate or like a realistic description of a news report. Also resident is a person living within the place. It’s residence when you are speaking of the place. They are usually told the details, and don’t usually use ‘ors.’ So you could try: “Hello, this is Park Kyungmin, here with breaking news. Today I am currently at the Shim Residence where a double homicide has occurred…” Somehow, a report or breaking news report goes along those lines.

Looking at the man speak, to the camera made me want to puke, he doesn’t care if Minho and I are safe or not, no one does. Mom and Dad never cared if Minho and I were fed or not, so why would these strangers care for our safety? If they found us they’ll just separate us, why would I want that? I fasten my pace as Minho and I walked into a hotel. Handing the old man the money I had he took us to a room, and there was where we slept and lived until our money ran out.

The commas are placed in wrong locations. The tenses used are off and again, are written with a present tense format. Also, you cannot necessarily look at the man, rather you watch him. Fasten means to close up, so the term is used in a wrong way. This should be: Watching the man speak into the camera made me want to puke. He didn’t care if Minho and I were safe or not, no one did. Mom and Dad never cared if Minho and I were fed or not, so why would these strangers care for our safety? If they found us they would just separate us, why would I want that? I quickened my pace as Minho and I walked into a hotel. Handing the old man the money I had, he took us to a room and that was where we slept and lived until our money ran out.

…she is so nice and has such a big heart, she made life easier for us two.

This should be: …she was so nice and had such a big heart; she made life easier for the two of us.
The phrase you used at the end was awkwardly worded.

I fall in love at first sight, I seek her out, she likes me, we fall in love. The end!
This should be: I fell in love at first sight, I sought her out, she liked me, and we fell in love. The end!

It’s been 7 years since they met, but they’re still going strong.
This should be: It had been 7 years since they met, but they were still going strong.

She looked at me then smiled, she shouldn’t do that or my heart will take over my brain and make me do things I’d regret.
This should be: She looked at me then smiled, she shouldn’t do that or my heart would take over my brain and make me do things I’d regret.
Honestly, I think this sentence sounds awkward and needs to be reworded.

Why isn’t he back yet?
This should be: Why wasn’t he back yet?

My eyes scanned everywhere but I didn’t see Hyung. So I closed my eyes then looked out again, this time he was there, with bags in his hands. I thought he was in trouble or something, I guess I'm thinking too much. I let out a sigh of relief and walked out of the apartment to greet Hyung. When I got outside, all I heard was a gun shot and an old lady screaming in the background. I suddenly looked towards the direction and saw blood run like a stream.

Scanned doesn’t necessarily flow right with the sentence. Gunshot is a put together word. The tenses are wrong.  This should be: My eyes searched everywhere, but I didn’t see Hyung anywhere. So I closed my eyes then looked out again, this time he was there with bags in hand. I thought he was in trouble or something, but I guess I was thinking too much. I let out a sigh of relief and walking out of the apartment to greet him. When I got outside, all I heard were gunshots and an old lady screaming in the background.

The last sentence doesn’t make much sense. If he looked at the direction where the noise was coming from he wouldn’t see the blood. He would have to look at the ground to see blood flowing from the victim.

I wanted to run and help the person whose been shot but my feet seemed to be sewed to the pavement.
Whose is wrong to use. Whose, is asking among people if an object or anything belongs to them. Like: Whose does this belong to? So it isn’t correct to use.
This should be: I wanted to run and help the person who had been shot, but my feet seemed to be sewn to the pavement.

Why is she crying? Why is Hyung on the ground? Why can’t I move?
This should be: Why was she crying? Why was Hyung on the ground? Why couldn’t I move?

… I felt as if I’ve been stabbed…
This should be: I felt as if I had been stabbed.

How can he be so unselfish, so stupid to request such thing from me? How can he say such words?
This should be: How could he be so unselfish, so stupid to request such a thing from me? How could he say such words?

How am I supposed to make her happy? What am I supposed to do if Changmin Hyung is gone? It feels as if I've lost both of my eyes and can't see; don't know where to go or where to turn to.
This should be: How was I supposed to make her happy? What was I supposed to do if Changmin Hyung was gone? It felt as if I had lost both my eyes and couldn’t see. I didn’t know where to go or where to turn to.

I know I look a mess with my big puffy eyes but I don't care. I need to make sure shes okay; I need to bring her inside where it is warmer. I dried my remaining tears with my uniform sleeve and stared at her in the eyes.
This should be: I knew I looked like a mess with my big puffy eyes, but I didn’t care. I needed to make sure she was okay; I needed to bring her inside where it was warmer. I dried my remaining tears with my uniform sleeve, and looked into her eyes.

How can she say such things? Am I not important to her? Am I not a person she wants to live for?
This should be: How could she say such things? Was I not important to her? Was I not a person she wanted to live for?

Now what am I supposed to do?
This should be: Now what was I supposed to do?

I am not ready to be alone again...
This should be: I was not ready to be alone again…

…they don't give a crap if Hyung is gone; they don't even know him. I walked to my last class and sat down on the hard chairs; waiting for the school day to be over so I can go find a job.
This should be:  …they didn’t give a crap about Hyung being gone; they didn’t even know him. I walked to my last class and sat down on the hard chair. I waited for the school day to be over, so I could go find a job.

I can take his place, the manager seemed worried so he took me in to take Hyung's spot
This should be: I could take his place. The manager seemed worried, so he took me in to take Hyung’s spot.
A little note: I don’t understand why the manager would be worried, so I think you need to clarify this a bit more.

… has been rotting in the place for years plus the hint of manure.
This should be: had been rotting in the place for years plus the hint of manure.

I watched them in amazement these guys are no joke, look how they cut through those bones. I hope I am able to do this job. It’s a hard job but it pays the bills; I need to man up and do this for myself and...for Hae Ri.
This should be: I watched them in amazement, these guys were no joke. Just looking at how they cut through those bones, I hoped I would be able to do that for this job. It seemed like a hard job, but it paid the bills, and I needed to man up and do this for myself, and for Hae Ri.

This is all I can correct. As a reviewer I’m not supposed to pick at every detail, but seeing as I did for most of the chapter, I think you need to double check what you words you use as well as your punctuation and grammar. You also seem to switch through tenses, at the beginning you use past and throughout the story you need to continue to maintain the tense you wrote in from the beginning. Although I didn’t give you points on this, please keep in mind there is always room for improvement.

Flow: 1/5
There was a lot of repetition within the sentences. You could have substituted words with another thing or used something else. It wasn’t a smooth flow, but rather I had to stop and think about the wording and how well your sentences were. You used ‘and’ a lot in the whole story.

Writing Style: 1/10

This is a style that I’m not really a fan of. You switch point of views within one chapter, and the next, so really it was okay. You have to remember that when a character is speaking in dialogue it’s the start of a new paragraph. Or if you’re trying to continue you lowercase the word, for instance in:

“This is where you slaughter and clean the animals. We use these big blades to cut through the bones, these.” He said pointing to the butcher knives on the counter, “Are the knives we use to cut them into pieces so we can package them to sell at the stores.”

It should be:  “This is where you slaughter and clean the animals. We use these big blades to cut through the bones, these.” He said pointing to the butcher knives on the counter, “are the knives we use to cut them into pieces so we can package them to sell at the stores.”

It’s an okay writing style, but more detail is needed.

Other++ 3/5
I apologize for being really late for this. It’s my fault for not trying to finish reviews, so points for patience and requesting from us.

Total: 38 /100
This isn’t so bad, there is always room for improvement. My advice for you is to make sure you add details where needed. Your story was really vague and lacked details as well as characterization. So don’t let this grade bring you down! Anyone can improve, practice makes perfect.