Reviewer: k i m `
Site: http://2pmvietguh.blogspot.com/
Requester: joonieplus
Fanfic: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/4803/it-all-started-with-a-kiss-joon-jungbyunghee-mblaq-mir-romance-seungho-thunder


Title: 2.5/5
It's a cliché type title. I would just scroll pass it, if I were looking for a fanfic to read.

Appearance: 5/10
You don't really have a background or poster. It's plain. And the main image you have isn't eye-catching at all. I suggest you request for a poster.

Forewords: 4/10
It's too informal. You need to take out the emoticons, as well as the "~". Capitalize all your "I's" For "ever" you need to italicize rather than capitalize it for more emphasis. Pick one or three exclamation, not two. Why do you say "Let's start!" when you put the trailer afterwards? Also this part:

"Feel free to check the trailer out ^^ it's also in chapter 15 since that's when I created it, so feel free to ignore chapter 15 if you've already seen the trailer ~" you need to reword.

Plot: 3/20
This plot has been done more than once. If you look on this site relating to gangs or mobs, the girl always changes the boy. Therefore, you lost points on this area.

Originality: 3/20
Again, this idea wasn't original. I was at least expecting a twist, but throughout the story I could predict what would happen. The girl changes the boy for the better, and he falls in love with her.

Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary/Punctuation: 0/15
School wore me out, the one and only reason why my life was boring. <--switch that around to something like: "school, the one and only reason why my life was so boring, wore me out.

I suddenly heard ringing; it sang a tune that I knew well. My phone <--the "my phone" is kind of redundant--combine or take out.

Considering I hardly receive any calls, it was rather unusual. <-- receive should be "received"

I checked the screen, 'Unknown number'; like I'd pick up a strangers call. <--forgot the apostrophe.

As I continued to think about my unexciting life, I decided to just wander around hoping it would bring something interesting. <--redundant, comma after "around"

Trust me, even wandering around was more exciting than what I normally do. <--use another word besides "wandering".

As I walked around the unfamiliar place I found an alleyway. I thought these only existed in movies. <--This seems really unnecessary, and cliché. What person doesn't know about alleys?

In movies, alleyways were never a good sign; but I convinced myself that reality was different from what they portray in films. <--change the semicolon to a comma.

I knew it, this wasn't looking good. <--reword.

'Yah!" <--should be this quotation mark " instead ' at the beginning of that

I could hear his footsteps, they were following mine. <--change the comma to a semicolon or a period.

"Yah! No one ignores my word!" <-- take out "my word" and replace it with "me".

I could hear a few more footsteps, more and more were gaining up on me. <--reword.

I turned around, feeling threatened by his voice. In front of me was a very attractive, tall yet scary guy. <--you need sentence variation. It's boring otherwise.

I swoon about attractive guys a lot, but this was not a very good time to be. <--swoon should be swooned.

He began to walk closer to me as I shuffled back until I felt the wall. <--shuffled? Use a different term. (I know what shuffled means, but it doesn't fit in that sentence.)

His shirt was only half done, revealing his white wife beater and a hint of his abs. <--is she really checking him out at this moment in time?

I could feel his presence approaching. <- You just saw him, of course you can feel him coming. This isn't necessary.

"What do you want from me? Who are you? Why -" I got cut off. "I want you to be my girl." <--How do you say something if someone is pressing their lips against your mouth? And the dash needs to be closer to the why if she's being interrupted

You mess up their feelings, get them in bed and leave them. <--what? If you "mess up their feelings", how do you get them in bed?

"Joon, even though you're a gang leader, and you're the most attractive out of us in terms of body and looks, I bet you I can get more girls to sleep with me tonight than you." <--dude, no guy willingly admits shit like that in that manner.

What was he thinking, him get more girls than me? <--split into two sentences like: What was he thinking? Him, get more girls than me?

"I'm bored. I'm heading to the dance floor", I told them. <--the comma should be on the inside of the dialogue, not the outside.

Girls were everywhere; sluts. <--redundant. You basically said this in the first half of Joon's POV.

"Let's go to your house -" <--again, the dash needs to be closer when interrupting anything.

"Get the f--k off me bitch!" <--spell the mother fucking word out if you're going to cuss. You spelled "bitch", you can spell fuck. Also, you need a comma before bitch.

"But you said you would -" <--again, no space between the dash and whatever.

"Thanks" she said while looking down. <--period or comma after thanks.

"I have to go -" <--again with the spacing.

Flow: 2/5
It felt slow at times, and rushed at others. You need to balance out and smoothen out your flow.

Writing Style: 5/10
You kept changing point of views too many times- it became distracting.

Other++ 5/5
I was really late for this review! Thank you for requesting!

Total: 29.5/100
Don't let this get you down! There's always room for improvement!