The title was a little interesting, though it’s been used before countless of times. I might not have clicked on it if I managed to spot it out of the vast array of stories. Also, it’s ‘Never Gonna Let You Go…’ You should have capitalised the first letter of each word as it’s a title.
Appearance: 4/10
The poster was alright, though you should’ve requested for a poster from a legit poster shop. It would have been more attractive. There was no background.
Forewords: 2/10
Your foreword was alright though you gave away too little yet too much info. What I mean is that you could’ve emphasized Minho’s role; you shouldn’t have stated that Minho was her lover. There were also mistakes in the foreword such as below.
So, Taemin is your brother, who you have not seen since when you're 2 years old. Its finally the time that you are going to see each other... a happy family reunion atlast... with your family. You are a half korean and half filipino family. Dad's a korean and mom's a filipina. There are secrets that you do not know... that will be revealed. How shocking can this be? or... is this some of the secrets you see in koreanovela's and teleseryes?
Minji has not seen her little brother Taemin since two. After years apart from each other, she finally gets to meet him and have a decent family reunion. She’s part Korean, part Pilipino; her father’s Korean while her mother’s Pilipino. Slowly but surely, secrets will be revealed. Could these secrets make you widen your eyes and scream, or will they just be those everyday secrets you see in Korean series, stories and dramas?
Plot: 3/20
There were some scenes in your story that were really awkward. For example, she’s a fan of SHINee but she doesn’t know Taemin? I know that sometimes, when you like a group, you might not know its members. Still…she should have seen him in one of their music videos and she would at least recognize him as someone. Also, they fell in love way too fast. I mean, no one falls in love that fast. They just met each other and they love each other already? That does not make sense whatsoever. They may be infatuated; people don’t cry because of infatuation. They just sigh, pity themselves a little then move on to the next hottie they see.
Originality: 4/20
It’s not original. The characters, especially, were extremely predictable. I mean, Jonghyun being the lady killer; Taemin being the diehard banana milk lover; Onew being the forever clumsy chicken maniac; Minho being the charismatic, mute one; and Key being the most feminine guy to ever walk planet Earth. That’s all too familiar. I know that you’ve probably learnt a lot from their variety shows, but please, this is a story. You don’t want to copy everyone else. I mean, who would want to read the same exact story over and over, right? Don’t let the traits define them; let them define the traits.
Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary/Punctuation: 3/15
Overall, your sentence structure was a little messy. There were both grammatical and spelling errors. You misused punctuations, more specifically the ellipsis. I’ll correct some of the mistakes I find in the first chapter.
Ahh! yes, sunlight through the curtains... an alarm that means its morning... and! school day.
The sunlight streams through the window as the alarm rings. This morning would have been absolutely perfect if I didn’t have school!
Your sentence was really messy and awkward. You should use caps at the beginning of a sentence. You misused the ellipsis and you misplaced the exclamation mark.
Jini went down the stairs groggily after brushing her teeth... but unexpectedly, uh huh... she tripped over the stairs causing her to fall off balance and land flat on the cold,frosted iced floor (just to remind you, its winter! XD ).
After cleaning up, Jini groggily walked down the stairs. She tripped on her way down, causing her to lose her balance and fall flat on the floor which was freezing cold due to the icy winter.
Again, your sentence was really messy. When you say ‘cold, frosted’, it means that the floor is frosted, meaning that the floor is literally frozen. You have to add a space after a comma. Try not to dump an author’s note when explaining the surroundings. Instead, use your words to describe it.
Mom: (noticing Jini on the floor) Yah! what are you doing there? sleeping on the floor? now, get up! gobble up your breakfast.... you last up 1 hour in the bathroom.. eh?
Jini’s mother noticed her on the floor, earning Jini weird looks.
“Yah! What are you trying to do? Why are you lying on the floor? Hurry and get up. Have some breakfast. You surely took your time in the bathroom,” her mother nagged.
It’s better if you write the way I did when writing dialogues. It’s pretty awkward to write it in messenger form. Your sentence was awkward and you made a poor choice in choosing words. There were some mistakes as well.
Jini walked to the kitchen... imaginning appa is still there eating breakfast with her.
Jini walked to the kitchen. She looked at the table, imagining her appa eating breakfast with her there.
You spelled ‘imagining’ wrong.
After getting ready, she checked her clock again, hmm.... 6am, I still hava lottof time. I just take time on walking.
She hurriedly got ready then looked at the clock to find out that it was only 6 in the morning. She decided to stroll there as she still had ample of time before school started.
If it’s in the author’s point of view, why do you write in first person view? You should write in third person view.
"aish! atleast Im trying! not everytime your aegyo works too!" I replied back, with a mehrong... hehe!
“Aish! Well, I tried. Besides, your aegyo doesn’t work every single time, too! Mehrong!” I replied back, sticking my tongue out.
Please capitalise the beginning of your sentences. Your sentence was a little awkward. Technically, ‘mehrong’ is the sound a person makes when their sticking their tongue out. Simply saying ‘mehrong’ does not make sense. Please don’t say ‘hehe’ at the end. It is informal. You need to be formal when writing unless if it’s a dialogue.
We arrived at school within 20mins. I went straight to my locker to get my pen and books when Kat informed to that she needed to go to the Library as soon as possible. I allowed her to, since she always ditch me, at times. ^^
We arrived at school in approximately 20 minutes. I walked to my locker immediately to get my books and pen out as Kat needed to go to the library as soon as possible. I asked her to go first, not that I needed to as she usually ditches me in situations such as this.
You sentence structure was a little messy. ‘Library’ doesn’t need to be capitalised as you did not state the name of the library. Your last sentence was difficult to understand. When you say ‘always ditch me’, it means that she ditches Jini almost every time. However, you added ‘at times’ in the end. ‘At times’ means that she would ditch Jini but under certain circumstances. I didn’t understand which one wanted to mean, but since you added an emoticon at the end, I’m assuming that she only ditches Jini under certain circumstances. I know that the emoticon helped me, but you should never ever add an emoticon, even when writing dialogues. Emoticons are used only for texting.
I walked to my class with the Ipod in my ears,walking straight ahead,looking down whicle reading a book.
I walked to class while listening to my iPod, my eyes never leaving my book at hand.
Technically, ‘iPod’ is spelled with the ‘I’ in small caps and the ‘p’ in big. Your sentence was really messy. You spelled ‘while’ wrongly.
But, it didn't work, she just know me so much I can't even hide a tiny minni thing from her.
"Your lieing..." She told me with a worried face
It didn’t work, though. She knew me so well that she could detect even the littlest change about me.
“What’s wrong?” she asked me with a worried face.
I’m lost. She wasn’t even lying. She just said ‘I didn’t know you’d be here’. She didn’t say ‘I’m totally fine. Nothing happened’. Why would her friend state that she’s lying? You spelled ‘lying’ and ‘mini’ wrongly. You started your sentence with past tense, so please end it with past tense. Never start your sentence with a conjunction.
Kat walked with me since she just lived near us... she is my neighbor. :)
Kat walked me home as she lived close to us; she’s my neighbour.
I won’t correct ‘neighbour’ as your country might not be using Brittish English, but American English. You should’ve used a semi-colon there, not an ellipsis.
I walked to the kitchen immediatly.
I walked to the kitchen immediately.
You made a spelling error.
I have this feeling... this feeling...ugh.! hate this feeling...Im just to anxious to know the news.
I have this gut feeling which really bugs me. I’m anxious to find out what she really wanted to tell me. My mind started pondering.
You misused the ellipsis. You didn’t capitalise the beginning of each sentence nor did you add an apostrophe in ‘I’m’.
When writing stories, you have to ‘cross the ‘T’s and dot the ‘I’s’. Also, try not to use shorten words such as ‘because’ or ‘conversation’ when writing.
Flow: 0/5
It was way too slow. It made me want to give up during the first few chapters as everything was so smooth sailing, boring and mild. There’s stuff in the first chapter that weren’t important and weren’t needed at all. It was just…there.
Writing Style: 0/10
I didn’t like you writing style. I got so lost. There were many times where I’d go ‘huh?’ I had to reread past chapters to actually get what you were saying. It was really confusing and the emoticons and overuse of punctuations were starting to irritate me. You were pretty informal as well.
Other++ 4/5
Sorry for making you wait! >.< Thanks for requesting!
Total: 21/100
Please don’t be disheartened. I understand that this is your first ever story, so it’s alright to make mistakes.
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