Reviewer: Andrea_Key4eva
Site: http://2pmvietguh.blogspot.com/
Requester: jinijungminho
Fanfic: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/30102/standing-in-the-rain-2min-jongkey-minho-onew-taemin
Title: 3/5
The title was nice, however, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen at least three other stories with the same title. Truthfully, if I happened to find your story out of the vast array of stories, I probably wouldn’t have clicked on it. It isn’t eye-catching. It matched the story, though. I’ve come across a lot of stories that didn’t match its title. I’m glad yours did.
Appearance: 7/10
I really liked your poster. It was pretty, it made sense and it had raindrops in it; it matches the title. I also liked the background, although it was a picture of a guy and a girl hugging. Your story is about 2min; why is there a girl? I’m not sure if it was meant to be a guy or not, since it’s drawn, but I liked it. I thought that it was too plain, though. It would’ve been better if there were some dark or vibrant colours.
Forewords: 2/10
I’m not going to lie; I got very confused. I didn’t really get what the story was about. The only info I got was that Taemin is a good little boy while Minho was a Casanova. Taemin knows something but doesn’t speak out, then something freaky happened that made Minho feel regretful or sad or something. You could’ve mentioned their relation with each other or something else that would give us a clue. If I were to click on your story and read the description and foreword, I would’ve clicked ‘back’ to find other stories. You made spelling and grammatical errors as well. I’ll give you some examples.
Minho and Taemin were the opposite personality. Taemin, being the younger one he is, is loyal. Wether it be friends,parents or lover.Whilst on the other hand, Minho was the type of guy where you could say that 'he has a lot of experience in relationships'. Some sort of playboy?
There were many confusions and mistakes in this paragraph. Much info was also needed. You shouldn’t have started with ‘Minho and Taemin were the opposite personality’. When you start a story, you need to understand that your readers have no idea of your ideas and plans. You should’ve given some kind of info. I’ll just correct your grammar and spelling errors here.
Minho and Taemin were lovers despite having completely different personalities; opposites, as some would call it. Taemin, being the younger one, was loyal. He was loyal to everyone; friends, parents and lovers. Minho, on the other hand, was the type of guy who loves the idea of being in love, which results in others judging him as a person who plays around and toys with other’s feelings; a playboy.
Your first sentence was understandable, though extremely messy. The sentence structure wasn’t good. You could’ve also put in the relation between the two. You also have to decide which tense you prefer to use: past, present or future tense. You started the paragraph with past tense, so you probably shouldn’t have used present tense after that. Also, you must never ever start sentences with conjunctions. ‘Whether’ and ‘whilst’ are conjunctions. You spelt ‘whether’ wrong and you misused ‘whilst’. You should have cancelled the ‘whilst’ and just started the sentence with ‘on the other hand’ or probably did it like me. Also, you have to specify what you mean. At first glance, I would expect Minho to be a playboy. It’s better to state that as your readers will get extremely confused. As I said before, more info is needed.
There were mistakes in your other paragraph as well, but I’ll just ignore that.
Plot: 5/20
May I just say that Taemin is a guy? The world isn’t exactly fond of the whole ‘gay’ thing; they are very judgmental. Your story was written under the imagination of the world not caring if there are gays or lesbians. Wrong. You have to write according to how the world feels today. If you did, there would definitely be more to write about and you could also say how disgusted people might be when they see the two together. You could say that they tried overcoming the judging eyes of the world. It would’ve been more interesting. You did, however, mention about the gay thing in Chapter 5. I didn’t get it. All this while, everyone was alright about it and YoonA even dated Minho to get back at Taemin. Please be more realistic and plan out your story before writing it. Also, I know you said that Onew was Taemin’s brother, but how did his brother just appear? You could’ve told us about the brother long lost brother before he randomly popped out. If they were long lost, how did Onew just randomly know that Taemin was his brother? How did Jonghyun and Key just magically get together? It didn’t make sense. It was too rushed.
Originality: 5/20
Your story wasn’t original. It was cliché. I could find some creativity here and there, but you didn’t portray it nicely. Throughout the story, you made it seem as if the world didn’t judge gays. It was so original that it became unreal. Know your boundaries. Also, may I just say that home economics is for girls? Home economics means learning housewife stuff: cooking, baking, sewing, et cetera. A mop has everything to do with home economics.
Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary/Punctuation: 4/15
Your grammar use was pretty bad. You always started with conjunctions and always used ‘its’ instead of ‘it’s’. You left out a lot of important words as well. Your spelling was alright, but there were some mistakes. I’m glad you tried to use adjectives and phrases, though you didn’t use some of them properly. Your punctuation was good, though need improvement. Please don’t use ‘~’ and please don’t exaggerate the vowel in a word such as ‘waaay’ or ‘pleeease’. I’ll give you some examples from the first chapter.
Chapter 1
That alone made him special.
That alone made him feel special.
That’s probably what you meant to say. If you meant to say ‘that alone made him special’, what made him special? You have to specify.
But that old frame began to crack when Taemin entered his life.
However, that old frame began to crack when Taemin entered his life.
Never start a sentence with a conjunction. It’s absolutely wrong. Conjunctions can only be used in the middle of the sentence.
Its not him who leaves, its always the girlfriend.
It’s not him who leaves; it’s the girlfriend.
Many people get confused with ‘its’ and ‘it’s.’ The ‘it’ in ‘its’ is usually an item or a living thing, usually animals. ‘Its’ is used when you want to describe or talk about the thing/animal’s body part or item or whatever. The term ‘it’s’ however, is a short form of ‘it is’, ‘it was’ or ‘it has.’ Whenever I get stuck with ‘its’ and ‘it’s,’ I usually replace the ‘its’ with ‘his’ or ‘hers.’ For this instance, I would say ‘his not him who leaves; his the girlfriend.’ Obviously, that’s wrong. However, if you say ‘It is not him who leaves; it is the girlfriend.’ That’s obviously right. Also, it’s better to use a semi-colon there because the semi-colon connects phrases with opposing meanings that somehow have something to do with each other.
And when that person leaves him, he always fall on the other arms of those people who only breaks his heart later on.
The moment his lover leaves him, he would always fall into the arms of another who would commit the exact mistake; break his heart.
You started with a conjunction again. I’ll ignore it since I’ve explained it to you before. You have to use ‘would’ because not putting it would result to the absence of grammar use. Also, the phrase is ‘fall into the arms of another’, not ‘fall on the arms of another’.
Minho would know what is gonna happen next, so he began pushing Taemin even if the latter objected.
Minho would know what was going to happen next, so he began pushing Taemin even if the latter objected.
I have absolutely no idea what you’re on about. I didn’t understand this sentence at all. I tried making some sense of it, but failed miserably. I do know, however, that when writing stories, you must never say ‘gonna’ unless if they’re speaking. You have to be more formal when writing. Also, you used present tense again. I’ll ignore it since I’ve explained it to you.
Wether this is in purpose or not, he doesn't mind anyway, as long as it is his Minho.
Whether this was done on purpose or not, he didn’t mind it anyway, as long as it was his Minho.
You spelled ‘whether’ wrong. You kept using present tense for this sentence. Also, it’s done ‘on purpose’, not ‘in purpose’.
They sat down on the green grass and leaned to the tree with their hands entertwined with each other.
They sat down on the green grass and leaned their backs on the tree with their fingers intertwined.
When writing stories, you have to be more specific. Usually, I would ask myself ‘who, what, when, where, why and how?’ before each situation. You must ask yourself these questions every single time, especially when you’re lost for words or don’t know how to describe the situation. I’m pretty happy that you tried using adjectives, for example: green grass. When writing stories. You have to describe even the littlest things. Also, their hands can’t intertwine, it’s their fingers. You also spelled ‘intertwined’ wrong. When you say ‘their fingers intertwined’, you don’t have to say with each other because you said ‘their fingers’.
Its as if their fingers are molded just specially for each other. They stayed like that for some good minutes before Taemin spoke up.
It’s as if their fingers were molded specifically for the other. They stayed that way for a bit until Taemin spoke up.
The ‘it’s’ mistake and present tense again. I’ll ignore it. I know you wanted to say ‘specially for each other’, but if you say ‘specifically’, it sounds as if God made them for each other. You can say specially, but it just wouldn’t give the same effect.
Forever is to far to even think of, and everything has an ending.
Nothing lasts forever.
See the dramatic effect? ‘Nothing lasts forever’ sounds so much better. Also, it’s ‘…to far to even think of…’ not ‘…too far to even think of…’ ‘To’ and ‘too’ are different. ‘Too’ means very. ‘To’ is used for expressing motion or direction toward a point, person, place, or thing approached and reached.
Once again, the younger did his best aegyo that he knew Minho could never resist. His fake teary eyes and puppy eyes.
Once again, the younger did aegyo that Minho could never resist; puppy eyes.
We already know that Taemin is doing aegyo. We also know that Minho loves him and can never resist his aegyo. You don’t have to be so repetitive. Also, no one can do ‘fake teary eyes’ and ‘puppy eyes’ at the same time, though they mean the same thing. It’s better to use the correct term for it; ‘puppy eyes’.
After Key asked the problem from a sobbing Taemin, the answer angered him of course. Since Minho disobeyed the number one rule : Don't break my Taebaby's heart.
The answer to the cause of a sobbing Taemin angered him. Minho had disobeyed the number one rule: Don’t break my Taebaby’s heart.
The first sentence was extremely messy. You also forgot to add ‘had’ and you spaced your words and punctuation wrongly.
Flow: 2/5
Everything was too rushed, making it all very confusing. Much info was needed. You could have elaborated more on mainly everything. You need to plan out your story before starting it.
Writing Style: 2/10
I wasn’t fond of your writing style, at all. There were times where I would want to just forget about reading the story. I didn’t like how you were pretty informal throughout the story and how you missed out important details and explaining them in the author’s note in brackets. You also put in many author’s notes as if they were part of the story. I didn’t like it. Your chapters were too long. You should’ve broken them up. You could’ve also written in paragraphs.
Other++ 2/5
It was a good effort. Please don’t be disheartened. There’s still room for improvement!
Total: 32/100
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