Title: 10/10
- The title was fully relevant to the plot. It is not too long, and would also successfully catch the attention of Khuntoria fans. Good work on that ^^
- The title leads readers to presume that the ending would be a happy one. People who like happy endings would definitely read it.
Plot: 18/25
- Characters: The characters’ feelings for each other are clearly shown from the beginning. Emotions are also portrayed nicely. (Example: “Victoria saw how he blushed and giggled.”) More elaboration is needed on the characters’ personalities, though. You could describe how Nickhun is shy, loving and fun, et cetera. It would leave a more lasting impression on people who have not heard of Khuntoria in real life. - Show, Don’t Tell: When they were in the gondola, you could write about how Victoria couldn’t hold eye-contact with Nickhun for very long when they talked without her face turning pink. This shows that she was shy and that it was awkward. Try not to tell readers “It was awkward” but show how it was awkward. Keep writing and practicing, it would help in this aspect. - Expressiveness: I think the fact that you thought about “what could happen next” and wrote about it is commendable (: I also gave marks for the effort you put in the plot. You planned your storyline well and it effectively conveyed your thoughts and feelings on Khuntoria. Conversations in the story were well-written as they were to-the-point and not long-winded.
- Climax: There was no twist in the story and everything happened as predicted. Perhaps you could add a twist by saying that Nickhun had been moody for the past few days as he wanted to propose but did not know how to. Victoria misinterprets this and thinks that he is slowly getting tired at being with her. Give the story a build-up and climax. It would fully capture your readers’ attention.
Originality: 19/20
- The storyline was original and you showed clearly where your inspiration was from. As aforementioned, a build-up and climax would help bring out your story and make it seem less ordinary.
Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary/Punctuation: 8/15
- There were some typographical and spelling errors here and there.
- Punctuations were fine (:
- Vocabulary was quite limited but it’s understandable as it takes time and a lot of reading to master a wide range of words. It’s the same for everyone, really, so don’t be disheartened~
- Some corrections are provided right at the bottom after the total marks. I hope that it can help you improve your writing in a shorter amount of time (:
Flow: 5/5
- It flowed well as you placed Headings. I suppose you’re already used to Headings because you managed to write smoothly so it’s still excellent work. Keep it that way if you’re comfortable with it. Just do make sure the headings do not cause breaks in your story’s flow. Perhaps you could try writing without it some time as it trains you to write without guidance during the process too.
- Generally, the pace was consistent despite the lack of a climax. You are competent in the managing of the story’s flow. Keep it up! ^^
Writing Style: 15/15
- You have a fun and upbeat writing style which helps bring the readers’ mood up.
- You are able to keep the readers’ attention all the way~
- You have the ability to phrase the story so much so that even without a climax it’s not dreary for the readers.
Others: 9/10
- Overall enjoyment (4/5)
- Nice background + Pictures provided (2 bonus points)
- YOUR CONFIDENCE IN YOUR WRITING IS ADMIRABLE! You have potential to do even better. Aja aja hwaiting!!!~ (3 bonus points)
Total: 84/100
~~~~~~~ If you’re putting up the review on your fan-fiction page, you can choose to put this part (below) up or not. It’s just for your reference ^.< ~~~~~~~
· Sentence: “After WGM with Victoria-ssi, we never met again or else. We just met by chance in variety shows.”
· Why it’s wrong:
(1) Since you used “Victoria”, she is the focus of your sentence and you can’t use “we”. (2) The phrase “or else” is supposed to be used in the context of a threat. Example: “LEE CHANGSUN!!! You had better change your change your bad habit of not washing up or else I will make sure you never set foot in my house again!”
(3) “Never” means “not at all” so if you write that they never met again it means that they didn’t even meet “by chance”.
(4) “On” a show, not “in”. It’s a common error made by many. It’s just like “put on a performance”, not “put up a performance”.
·Correction: After WGM with Victoria-ssi, I did not intentionally* meet her (she’s the focus, remember?) again. We only met coincidentally (a better word for “by chance”) on variety shows.
*intentionally = deliberately/purposely
~
· Sentence: “…even if it’s just 3 months ago when WGM ended with us.”
· Why it’s wrong:
(1) “is” = present-tense. Your story was written in the past tense and there are no flashbacks, etc so there shouldn’t be any present-tense appearing in the story. What I usually do is to write a big ‘PAST-TENSE’ [or whatever’s applicable] on my paper so that I’ll be consistent in my tenses.
(2) “ended with us” means that the programme has already ended, and that [we] were the last ones who participated in the programme.
· Correction: …even if it was only three months ago when our time in WGM ended.
~
· Sentence: “Suddenly I saw someone waving hands. I went towards that person and recognize Nichkhun-ssi.”
· Why it’s wrong:
(1) Punctuation: A comma after “Suddenly” is missing.
(2) Erm… “waving hands” at? You have to state. It’s too vague. I can say the mad man was “waving his hands” and it could mean exactly the same thing as the “waving hands” in your sentence.
(3) You have to point out that “that person” is Nickhun.
(4) Recognized (past-tense)
· Correction: Suddenly, I noticed someone waving his hands at me. Walking closer, I realized that it was Nickhun-ssi.
~
· Phrase/Word: “newest-news”
· Why it’s wrong: No such word.
· Correction: latest happenings/latest news
~
· Sentence: “They told the boys that Victoria doesn’t even look better.”
· Why it’s wrong: “doesn’t even look better” means she didn’t become prettier/more beautiful
· Correction: ‘doesn’t look any better’ (it’s a comparative phrase)
~
· Sentence: “Nichkhun stopped and starred at something. Wooyoung went towards him and looked at that something.”
· Why it’s wrong:
(1) Typographical error: “starred” is supposed to be “stared”
(2) Try to avoid repeating the same word for the same object at the same part of the sentences. (Hahas, sounds like a tongue-twister, yep? :P It’s only a minor error, though.)
· Correction: Nickhun paused to stare when something caught his eye in the shop’s display section. Wooyoung, being curious, went to take a closer look at what Nickhun was so enthralled by.
· Sentence: “The audience awed to this scene.”
· Why it’s wrong:
(1) “Awed” means something like a mixture of reverence and wonderment so it’s inappropriate.
(2) “Awed by”, not “awed to”.
· Correction: Upon seeing this, the audience was surprised and thrilled.
~~~~~~~
Post a Comment