Reviewer: aingeal1004Site: http://2pmvietguh.blogspot.com/
Requester: bebeth1996
Fanfic: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/43417

Title: 10/10

-          The title was fully relevant to the plot. It is not too long, and would also successfully catch the attention of Khuntoria fans. Good work on that ^^

-          The title leads readers to presume that the ending would be a happy one. People who like happy endings would definitely read it.

Plot: 18/25

-          Characters: The characters’ feelings for each other are clearly shown from the beginning. Emotions are also portrayed nicely. (Example: “Victoria saw how he blushed and giggled.”) More elaboration is needed on the characters’ personalities, though. You could describe how Nickhun is shy, loving and fun, et cetera. It would leave a more lasting impression on people who have not heard of Khuntoria in real life.

-          Show, Don’t Tell: When they were in the gondola, you could write about how Victoria couldn’t hold eye-contact with Nickhun for very long when they talked without her face turning pink. This shows that she was shy and that it was awkward. Try not to tell readers “It was awkward” but show how it was awkward. Keep writing and practicing, it would help in this aspect.

-          Expressiveness: I think the fact that you thought about “what could happen next” and wrote about it is commendable (: I also gave marks for the effort you put in the plot. You planned your storyline well and it effectively conveyed your thoughts and feelings on Khuntoria. Conversations in the story were well-written as they were to-the-point and not long-winded.

-          Climax: There was no twist in the story and everything happened as predicted. Perhaps you could add a twist by saying that Nickhun had been moody for the past few days as he wanted to propose but did not know how to. Victoria misinterprets this and thinks that he is slowly getting tired at being with her. Give the story a build-up and climax. It would fully capture your readers’ attention.

Originality: 19/20

-          The storyline was original and you showed clearly where your inspiration was from. As aforementioned, a build-up and climax would help bring out your story and make it seem less ordinary.

Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary/Punctuation: 8/15

-          There were some typographical and spelling errors here and there.

-          Punctuations were fine (:

-          Vocabulary was quite limited but it’s understandable as it takes time and a lot of reading to master a wide range of words. It’s the same for everyone, really, so don’t be disheartened~

-          Some corrections are provided right at the bottom after the total marks. I hope that it can help you improve your writing in a shorter amount of time (:

Flow: 5/5

-          It flowed well as you placed Headings. I suppose you’re already used to Headings because you managed to write smoothly so it’s still excellent work. Keep it that way if you’re comfortable with it. Just do make sure the headings do not cause breaks in your story’s flow. Perhaps you could try writing without it some time as it trains you to write without guidance during the process too.

-          Generally, the pace was consistent despite the lack of a climax. You are competent in the managing of the story’s flow. Keep it up! ^^

Writing Style: 15/15

-          You have a fun and upbeat writing style which helps bring the readers’ mood up.

-          You are able to keep the readers’ attention all the way~

-          You have the ability to phrase the story so much so that even without a climax it’s not dreary for the readers.

Others: 9/10

-          Overall enjoyment (4/5)

-          Nice background + Pictures provided (2 bonus points)

-          YOUR CONFIDENCE IN YOUR WRITING IS ADMIRABLE! You have potential to do even better. Aja aja hwaiting!!!~ (3 bonus points)

Total: 84/100

~~~~~~~ If you’re putting up the review on your fan-fiction page, you can choose to put this part (below) up or not. It’s just for your reference ^.< ~~~~~~~

· Sentence: “After WGM with Victoria-ssi, we never met again or else. We just met by chance in variety shows.”

· Why it’s wrong:

      (1) Since you used “Victoria”, she is the focus of your sentence and you can’t use “we”.

      (2) The phrase “or else” is supposed to be used in the context of a threat. Example: “LEE CHANGSUN!!! You had better change your change your bad habit of not washing up or else I will make sure you never set foot in my house again!”

      (3) “Never” means “not at all” so if you write that they never met again it means that they didn’t even meet “by chance”.

      (4) “On” a show, not “in”. It’s a common error made by many. It’s just like “put on a performance”, not “put up a performance”.

·Correction: After WGM with Victoria-ssi, I did not intentionally* meet her (she’s the focus, remember?) again. We only met coincidentally (a better word for “by chance”) on variety shows.

*intentionally = deliberately/purposely

~

· Sentence: “…even if it’s just 3 months ago when WGM ended with us.”

· Why it’s wrong:

      (1) “is” = present-tense. Your story was written in the past tense and there are no flashbacks, etc so there shouldn’t be any present-tense appearing in the story. What I usually do is to write a big ‘PAST-TENSE’ [or whatever’s applicable] on my paper so that I’ll be consistent in my tenses.

      (2) “ended with us” means that the programme has already ended, and that [we] were the last ones who participated in the programme.

· Correction: …even if it was only three months ago when our time in WGM ended.

~

· Sentence: “Suddenly I saw someone waving hands. I went towards that person and recognize Nichkhun-ssi.”

· Why it’s wrong:

      (1) Punctuation: A comma after “Suddenly” is missing.

      (2) Erm… “waving hands” at? You have to state. It’s too vague. I can say the mad man was “waving his hands” and it could mean exactly the same thing as the “waving hands” in your sentence.

      (3) You have to point out that “that person” is Nickhun.

      (4) Recognized (past-tense)

· Correction: Suddenly, I noticed someone waving his hands at me. Walking closer, I realized that it was Nickhun-ssi.

~

· Phrase/Word: “newest-news”

· Why it’s wrong: No such word.

· Correction: latest happenings/latest news

~

· Sentence: “They told the boys that Victoria doesn’t even look better.”

· Why it’s wrong: “doesn’t even look better” means she didn’t become prettier/more beautiful

· Correction: ‘doesn’t look any better’ (it’s a comparative phrase)

~

· Sentence: “Nichkhun stopped and starred at something. Wooyoung went towards him and looked at that something.”

· Why it’s wrong:

      (1) Typographical error: “starred” is supposed to be “stared”

      (2) Try to avoid repeating the same word for the same object at the same part of the sentences. (Hahas, sounds like a tongue-twister, yep? :P It’s only a minor error, though.)

· Correction: Nickhun paused to stare when something caught his eye in the shop’s display section. Wooyoung, being curious, went to take a closer look at what Nickhun was so enthralled by.

· Sentence: “The audience awed to this scene.”

· Why it’s wrong:

      (1) “Awed” means something like a mixture of reverence and wonderment so it’s inappropriate.

      (2) “Awed by”, not “awed to”.

· Correction: Upon seeing this, the audience was surprised and thrilled.

~~~~~~~

Reviewer: 2pmvietguh
Site: http://2pmvietguh.blogspot.com/
Requester: loveisintheairFanfic: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/74758/wonders-of-a-teenage-girl-2pm-junsu-nichkhun-shinee-taecyeon-wooyoung-you


Title: 3/5The title would have likely gotten my attention. "Wonders of a Teenage Girl", makes me, the reader want to know more about literally, the "wonders", if that makes sense. (In which I think it does.)
　
Appearance: 9/10I loved the background and poster! Since this story is still ongoing, I'm not sure whether Minho will still be in the story or not, but if he were to continue to be present in the story, then I think that it would have been necessary to include him along with the other characters on the poster.
　
Forewords: 8/10The foreword caught my attention. I was looking forward to see how the story unfolds, with Mirae moving to South Korea to live with her brother.

Plot: 14/20Mirae's parents are in debt. She moves to Seoul, South Korea to live with her brother, Junsu. She met Choi Minho on her flight to Seoul and fell for him, vice versa. Within hours, the two declared how much they like each other, and BAM, they're now going out. Her brother and his group members doesn't like her new boyfriend. Things quickly unfold from there: With the fact that Minho's not the guy that he portray himself to be in front of Mirae.
I honestly didn't like the plot as much as I thought I would have. (When I read the foreword) I guess the main reason of that being is because the story's pace was fast. Like in the "flow" section below, I've said that slowing the story down a bit would have made the story better to read. Also, the whole thing with Taecyeon being in love with Mirae was a bit random; it threw me off.

Originality: 12/20(Reviewer's note: Originality is based on me, the reviewer. Just because you (as in readers) have read a fan fic or whatever that's similar to this, it doesn't mean that I have.)
There were some things that I found cliche:

• someone having cancer
• Main girl character is an idol's sibling.
• a character using someone to be their fake lover
• Main girl moving to South Korea.
　 　

Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary/Punctuation: 10.5/15
Here are most of the errors/mistakes that I've found while reviewing your story. Words that are in bold or are in parenthesis are the ones that I've corrected or added:

"Umma, Appa, you'll (be) all right?" Wrapping my arms around them, I whispered.

Did I mention how much I loved asian guys? I love HAM to death. I will do anything to get one!
H ott
A sian
M en
That's what HAM stands for. I was first exposed to HAM when I saw Junsu's boy band group. 2PM is the best and most amazing group in the history of asian idols! Wooyoung is my favorite! He's so adora-

I think that you should italicize your character's thoughts and or put them in quotations. That way you won't confuse your readers. To be honest, when I first read this part, for a split second, I thought this was your (author) thought.
"Mi, for the past 5 minutes you've been fantasizing, the seatbelt light has been flickereing (flickering) like crazy.
　
When I realized that he sad (said) we were in Seoul, I abruptly jumped out of my seat.

"Oppa I missed you too. Its (It's) been way too long."

Haha as much as I love HAM, its (it's) still kind of awkward. Now there's a total of 7 guys -_- whoopee.

"Its (It's) been a while!"
　
I've noticed that no matter what case it was, either for "it is" or "it has", or using it as a possessive pronoun, you still used "its".

"Anyeonghassaeyo (annyeonghaseyo), I am Junsu's little sister, Kim Mirae.

Wooyoung smirking (smirked), then said. "Mi, since I'm obviously the best one here, I'll just give you short introductions to the other members."

"Nooooo Mi! I do it wayy batter (better) than him!"

Come out after your (you're) done unpacking!!"

She's too good for (a) scum like you."

"Poor Taecyeon's already heart-broken."

"I almost got a speeding ticket wile (while) driving here."　
Flow: 2/5The story took on its course way too fast. This story took place probably within a day or two after Mirae arrived in South Korea. In my opinion, I think slowing the story down a bit would have made the story better to read. For example, you could have build up Minho and Mirae's relationship, instead of having them date each other within hours of meeting, things like that.

Writing Style: 7/10I seriously loved your use of Kpop allusion. (2AM, I'll be back, Tell me)

You've had a great use of diction.

I think that italicizing your character's thoughts would have made the story less confusing. It would have clarified that it was the character's thoughts.
　
~2pm~2pm~2pm~2pm~2pm~2pm~2pm~
Other: 5/52pm <3 I love how Wooyoung acts so adorable in this story! ^^

Total: 70.5/100(I don't understand why you've put this in the middle of some chapters)

Reviewer: Andrea_Key4eva
Site: http://2pmvietguh.blogspot.com/
Requester: jinijungminho
Fanfic: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/30102/standing-in-the-rain-2min-jongkey-minho-onew-taemin

Reviewer: k i m `
Site: http://2pmvietguh.blogspot.com/
Requester: joonieplus
Fanfic: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/4803/it-all-started-with-a-kiss-joon-jungbyunghee-mblaq-mir-romance-seungho-thunder


Title: 2.5/5
It's a cliché type title. I would just scroll pass it, if I were looking for a fanfic to read.

Appearance: 5/10
You don't really have a background or poster. It's plain. And the main image you have isn't eye-catching at all. I suggest you request for a poster.

Forewords: 4/10
It's too informal. You need to take out the emoticons, as well as the "~". Capitalize all your "I's" For "ever" you need to italicize rather than capitalize it for more emphasis. Pick one or three exclamation, not two. Why do you say "Let's start!" when you put the trailer afterwards? Also this part:

"Feel free to check the trailer out ^^ it's also in chapter 15 since that's when I created it, so feel free to ignore chapter 15 if you've already seen the trailer ~" you need to reword.

Plot: 3/20
This plot has been done more than once. If you look on this site relating to gangs or mobs, the girl always changes the boy. Therefore, you lost points on this area.

Originality: 3/20
Again, this idea wasn't original. I was at least expecting a twist, but throughout the story I could predict what would happen. The girl changes the boy for the better, and he falls in love with her.

Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary/Punctuation: 0/15
School wore me out, the one and only reason why my life was boring. <--switch that around to something like: "school, the one and only reason why my life was so boring, wore me out.

I suddenly heard ringing; it sang a tune that I knew well. My phone <--the "my phone" is kind of redundant--combine or take out.

Considering I hardly receive any calls, it was rather unusual. <-- receive should be "received"

I checked the screen, 'Unknown number'; like I'd pick up a strangers call. <--forgot the apostrophe.

As I continued to think about my unexciting life, I decided to just wander around hoping it would bring something interesting. <--redundant, comma after "around"

Trust me, even wandering around was more exciting than what I normally do. <--use another word besides "wandering".

As I walked around the unfamiliar place I found an alleyway. I thought these only existed in movies. <--This seems really unnecessary, and cliché. What person doesn't know about alleys?

In movies, alleyways were never a good sign; but I convinced myself that reality was different from what they portray in films. <--change the semicolon to a comma.

I knew it, this wasn't looking good. <--reword.

'Yah!" <--should be this quotation mark " instead ' at the beginning of that

I could hear his footsteps, they were following mine. <--change the comma to a semicolon or a period.

"Yah! No one ignores my word!" <-- take out "my word" and replace it with "me".

I could hear a few more footsteps, more and more were gaining up on me. <--reword.

I turned around, feeling threatened by his voice. In front of me was a very attractive, tall yet scary guy. <--you need sentence variation. It's boring otherwise.

I swoon about attractive guys a lot, but this was not a very good time to be. <--swoon should be swooned.

He began to walk closer to me as I shuffled back until I felt the wall. <--shuffled? Use a different term. (I know what shuffled means, but it doesn't fit in that sentence.)

His shirt was only half done, revealing his white wife beater and a hint of his abs. <--is she really checking him out at this moment in time?

I could feel his presence approaching. <- You just saw him, of course you can feel him coming. This isn't necessary.

"What do you want from me? Who are you? Why -" I got cut off. "I want you to be my girl." <--How do you say something if someone is pressing their lips against your mouth? And the dash needs to be closer to the why if she's being interrupted

You mess up their feelings, get them in bed and leave them. <--what? If you "mess up their feelings", how do you get them in bed?

"Joon, even though you're a gang leader, and you're the most attractive out of us in terms of body and looks, I bet you I can get more girls to sleep with me tonight than you." <--dude, no guy willingly admits shit like that in that manner.

What was he thinking, him get more girls than me? <--split into two sentences like: What was he thinking? Him, get more girls than me?

"I'm bored. I'm heading to the dance floor", I told them. <--the comma should be on the inside of the dialogue, not the outside.

Girls were everywhere; sluts. <--redundant. You basically said this in the first half of Joon's POV.

"Let's go to your house -" <--again, the dash needs to be closer when interrupting anything.

"Get the f--k off me bitch!" <--spell the mother fucking word out if you're going to cuss. You spelled "bitch", you can spell fuck. Also, you need a comma before bitch.

"But you said you would -" <--again, no space between the dash and whatever.

"Thanks" she said while looking down. <--period or comma after thanks.

"I have to go -" <--again with the spacing.

Flow: 2/5
It felt slow at times, and rushed at others. You need to balance out and smoothen out your flow.

Writing Style: 5/10
You kept changing point of views too many times- it became distracting.

Other++ 5/5
I was really late for this review! Thank you for requesting!

Total: 29.5/100
Don't let this get you down! There's always room for improvement!

Reviewer: k i m `
Site: http://2pmvietguh.blogspot.com/
Requester: SaMaNtHa
Fanfic: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/MFCUM/

Note: I am extremely sorry for the lateness of this review.

Title: 2/5

The title, I’ve seen a lot, it’s been used in a lot of occasions for a story. If I scrolled by it, it wouldn’t necessarily catch my attention. I would probably go pass it. After finishing it, I can see how it ties in, but at the same time, it doesn’t fit since the memories really weren’t explained. 

Appearance: 8/10

The colors for the background color was a warm type color. In addition, the poster looks nice, but at the same time sad, which does correspond with the story’s mood. So the overall appearance is appealing and does make me want to read, the font of the poster was readable.

Forewords: 6/10

The foreword is okay, it doesn’t exactly give me exactly what’s going to happen in the story, nor does it really intro any characters.  It doesn’t exactly let me know anything, because it’s too short. A foreword usually is supposed to capture a reader’s attention. It makes the person want to continue further and click chapter one. I give you points on it being interesting. In formal writing, a foreword is a short piece that may or may not be written by the legitimate author of the story. The foreword tells the interaction between the writer and the story or the writer of the forewords and the story. You also had some cases where there were mess ups within the forewords.

‘What am I supposed to do if I have no one left in this world? My parents died because of their gambling problems, my brother died of a drive by shooting, and now the girl of my life doesn’t seem to be alive. Her smile died, her feelings vanished. Her beauty is still here but why does she look so different to me now? Why do these lines keep appearing on arms? Why is her face stained with tears? What can I do to make this better? What can I do to live on? I want to crawl into a hole and disappear…what can I do to make this life better? All I can do is think about these unanswered questions and think back to the unforgettable memories.’

Your tenses are off, and some of it doesn’t seem to flow right at all. Isn’t the phrase ‘Girl of my dreams?’ the word ‘life,’ seems to disrupt the flow for me.  The tenses are off and you’re missing a few words.

‘What am I supposed to do if I had no one left in this world?’ You have to change have into had because ‘supposed’ is in its past tense form. ‘Her smile died; her feelings vanished.’ You could use a comma but a semi colon seems to fit because it acts as an ‘and’ or it creates a greater pause in writing. ‘Her beauty was still there, but why did she look so different to me now?’ Again your tenses aren’t right in this, you begun with past tense, you have to continue using a past tense format.

‘Why do these lines keep appearing on arms?’ Okay this phrase, you need to clarify. It doesn’t make any sense. On whose arm are the lines appearing on? If you mean the girl’s arms then the question should be: ‘Why do those lines keep appearing on her arm?’  Alright, I’m not too sure whether you’re attempting to make this in present tense, or not. If it’s in past tense the last sentences need to be fixed so it’s in past tense, if you’re writing in present tense fix the beginning.

Plot: 9/20

The plot, well has been done before. I mean something happened to the parents, they were taken in by someone who either one of them falls for, or both. Then they fall in love, and something bad happens, but you didn’t really input the feeling of rejection. It was rushed throughout the challenge, and really I don’t see exactly how exactly the feeling was put to be strong in it. The ending was unhappy, but there wasn’t anything else.

Originality: 8/20

I think the suicide part was pretty creative, but the rest not really. Honestly, you could have more details, but I suppose considering the fact that this was for a challenge you might have felt rushed to finish it before the challenge deadline.  Otherwise, this whole two-shot was extremely lacking in detail and characterization. We know how Changmin met the girl, but nothing else. We don’t exactly know how their personality is, or anything really about the characters in this.

Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary/Punctuation: 0/15

I will correct everything I see, then the breakdown of everything will be at the end of this. There will be instances where I will explain why exactly I am changing certain things.

I’m only a 16 year old boy. How am I supposed to take care of my 9 year old brother without parents?
This should be: I was only a 16 year old boy. How was I supposed to take of my 9 year old brother without parents?

I kicked the sofa cushion with my right feet; in search for the phone but it wasn’t there
This should be: I kicked the sofa cushion with my right foot in search of the phone, but it wasn’t there. 

I dialed 119 then went upstairs to pack my clothing and Minho’s.
This sentence seems awkwardly worded, but it seems correct. Although you could try: I dialed 119 going upstairs to pack my clothes along with Minho’s.

Grabbing the blue suitcase from Minho’s closet I began to place his clothes in the suitcase.
This is correct yes, but you’re sounding repetitive. You could say: Grabbing the blue suitcase from Minho’s closet, I began to place his clothes inside it.

After packing his clothes and his blanket I went to my room and did the same.
This could be: After packing his clothes and blanket, I went to my room and did the same with my things.

I grabbed a couple of towels and some blankets; it occupied most of the space in the suitcase but its okay.
This could be: I grabbed a couple of towels and some blankets, they occupied most of the space in the suitcase, but that was okay.

I don’t need a lot clothes, as long as we’re warm and dry I’m okay. Walking towards my dresser I grabbed my wallet and went down the stairs with the suitcases in my hands, I grabbed my father’s wallet from the floor before leaving with Minho.
This could be: I didn’t need a lot of clothes, as long as we were warm and dry, I was okay. Walking towards my dresser, I grabbed my wallet and went down the stairs with the suitcases in my hands. I grabbed my father’s wallet from the floor before leaving with Minho.

‘police mans’ should be policemen. Policemen, is the plural version of policeman.

“Hello, this is Park Kyungmin. I am here with today’s news. Today I am here at the Shim resident, there has been a homicide, there are two people dead; a mother and father, they have a record of gambling problems so maybe they were killed by the loan sharks, but we are not certain. At the moment we are searching for their lost son’s, they are 16 and 9 years old. We don’t know if they were kidnapped or not but we need to find them quick before anything bad happens to them.”

Honestly, this doesn’t seem like an accurate or like a realistic description of a news report. Also resident is a person living within the place. It’s residence when you are speaking of the place. They are usually told the details, and don’t usually use ‘ors.’ So you could try: “Hello, this is Park Kyungmin, here with breaking news. Today I am currently at the Shim Residence where a double homicide has occurred…” Somehow, a report or breaking news report goes along those lines.

Looking at the man speak, to the camera made me want to puke, he doesn’t care if Minho and I are safe or not, no one does. Mom and Dad never cared if Minho and I were fed or not, so why would these strangers care for our safety? If they found us they’ll just separate us, why would I want that? I fasten my pace as Minho and I walked into a hotel. Handing the old man the money I had he took us to a room, and there was where we slept and lived until our money ran out.

The commas are placed in wrong locations. The tenses used are off and again, are written with a present tense format. Also, you cannot necessarily look at the man, rather you watch him. Fasten means to close up, so the term is used in a wrong way. This should be: Watching the man speak into the camera made me want to puke. He didn’t care if Minho and I were safe or not, no one did. Mom and Dad never cared if Minho and I were fed or not, so why would these strangers care for our safety? If they found us they would just separate us, why would I want that? I quickened my pace as Minho and I walked into a hotel. Handing the old man the money I had, he took us to a room and that was where we slept and lived until our money ran out.

…she is so nice and has such a big heart, she made life easier for us two.

This should be: …she was so nice and had such a big heart; she made life easier for the two of us.
The phrase you used at the end was awkwardly worded.

I fall in love at first sight, I seek her out, she likes me, we fall in love. The end!
This should be: I fell in love at first sight, I sought her out, she liked me, and we fell in love. The end!

It’s been 7 years since they met, but they’re still going strong.
This should be: It had been 7 years since they met, but they were still going strong.

She looked at me then smiled, she shouldn’t do that or my heart will take over my brain and make me do things I’d regret.
This should be: She looked at me then smiled, she shouldn’t do that or my heart would take over my brain and make me do things I’d regret.
Honestly, I think this sentence sounds awkward and needs to be reworded.

Why isn’t he back yet?
This should be: Why wasn’t he back yet?

My eyes scanned everywhere but I didn’t see Hyung. So I closed my eyes then looked out again, this time he was there, with bags in his hands. I thought he was in trouble or something, I guess I'm thinking too much. I let out a sigh of relief and walked out of the apartment to greet Hyung. When I got outside, all I heard was a gun shot and an old lady screaming in the background. I suddenly looked towards the direction and saw blood run like a stream.

Scanned doesn’t necessarily flow right with the sentence. Gunshot is a put together word. The tenses are wrong.  This should be: My eyes searched everywhere, but I didn’t see Hyung anywhere. So I closed my eyes then looked out again, this time he was there with bags in hand. I thought he was in trouble or something, but I guess I was thinking too much. I let out a sigh of relief and walking out of the apartment to greet him. When I got outside, all I heard were gunshots and an old lady screaming in the background.

The last sentence doesn’t make much sense. If he looked at the direction where the noise was coming from he wouldn’t see the blood. He would have to look at the ground to see blood flowing from the victim.

I wanted to run and help the person whose been shot but my feet seemed to be sewed to the pavement.
Whose is wrong to use. Whose, is asking among people if an object or anything belongs to them. Like: Whose does this belong to? So it isn’t correct to use.
This should be: I wanted to run and help the person who had been shot, but my feet seemed to be sewn to the pavement.

Why is she crying? Why is Hyung on the ground? Why can’t I move?
This should be: Why was she crying? Why was Hyung on the ground? Why couldn’t I move?

… I felt as if I’ve been stabbed…
This should be: I felt as if I had been stabbed.

How can he be so unselfish, so stupid to request such thing from me? How can he say such words?
This should be: How could he be so unselfish, so stupid to request such a thing from me? How could he say such words?

How am I supposed to make her happy? What am I supposed to do if Changmin Hyung is gone? It feels as if I've lost both of my eyes and can't see; don't know where to go or where to turn to.
This should be: How was I supposed to make her happy? What was I supposed to do if Changmin Hyung was gone? It felt as if I had lost both my eyes and couldn’t see. I didn’t know where to go or where to turn to.

I know I look a mess with my big puffy eyes but I don't care. I need to make sure shes okay; I need to bring her inside where it is warmer. I dried my remaining tears with my uniform sleeve and stared at her in the eyes.
This should be: I knew I looked like a mess with my big puffy eyes, but I didn’t care. I needed to make sure she was okay; I needed to bring her inside where it was warmer. I dried my remaining tears with my uniform sleeve, and looked into her eyes.

How can she say such things? Am I not important to her? Am I not a person she wants to live for?
This should be: How could she say such things? Was I not important to her? Was I not a person she wanted to live for?

Now what am I supposed to do?
This should be: Now what was I supposed to do?

I am not ready to be alone again...
This should be: I was not ready to be alone again…

…they don't give a crap if Hyung is gone; they don't even know him. I walked to my last class and sat down on the hard chairs; waiting for the school day to be over so I can go find a job.
This should be:  …they didn’t give a crap about Hyung being gone; they didn’t even know him. I walked to my last class and sat down on the hard chair. I waited for the school day to be over, so I could go find a job.

I can take his place, the manager seemed worried so he took me in to take Hyung's spot
This should be: I could take his place. The manager seemed worried, so he took me in to take Hyung’s spot.
A little note: I don’t understand why the manager would be worried, so I think you need to clarify this a bit more.

… has been rotting in the place for years plus the hint of manure.
This should be: had been rotting in the place for years plus the hint of manure.

I watched them in amazement these guys are no joke, look how they cut through those bones. I hope I am able to do this job. It’s a hard job but it pays the bills; I need to man up and do this for myself and...for Hae Ri.
This should be: I watched them in amazement, these guys were no joke. Just looking at how they cut through those bones, I hoped I would be able to do that for this job. It seemed like a hard job, but it paid the bills, and I needed to man up and do this for myself, and for Hae Ri.

This is all I can correct. As a reviewer I’m not supposed to pick at every detail, but seeing as I did for most of the chapter, I think you need to double check what you words you use as well as your punctuation and grammar. You also seem to switch through tenses, at the beginning you use past and throughout the story you need to continue to maintain the tense you wrote in from the beginning. Although I didn’t give you points on this, please keep in mind there is always room for improvement.

Flow: 1/5
There was a lot of repetition within the sentences. You could have substituted words with another thing or used something else. It wasn’t a smooth flow, but rather I had to stop and think about the wording and how well your sentences were. You used ‘and’ a lot in the whole story.

Writing Style: 1/10

This is a style that I’m not really a fan of. You switch point of views within one chapter, and the next, so really it was okay. You have to remember that when a character is speaking in dialogue it’s the start of a new paragraph. Or if you’re trying to continue you lowercase the word, for instance in:

“This is where you slaughter and clean the animals. We use these big blades to cut through the bones, these.” He said pointing to the butcher knives on the counter, “Are the knives we use to cut them into pieces so we can package them to sell at the stores.”

It should be:  “This is where you slaughter and clean the animals. We use these big blades to cut through the bones, these.” He said pointing to the butcher knives on the counter, “are the knives we use to cut them into pieces so we can package them to sell at the stores.”

It’s an okay writing style, but more detail is needed.

Other++ 3/5
I apologize for being really late for this. It’s my fault for not trying to finish reviews, so points for patience and requesting from us.

Total: 38 /100
This isn’t so bad, there is always room for improvement. My advice for you is to make sure you add details where needed. Your story was really vague and lacked details as well as characterization. So don’t let this grade bring you down! Anyone can improve, practice makes perfect.